Heading Home with a layover - SLC to Memphis

I find airports fascinating in much the same way I enjoy sitting in coffee shops.  Lets call it the joy of “people watching” with a twist.  Airports are a concentrated arena of emotions ranging from excitement to outright anger.  I believe the lack of control puts people on edge.    Some will be happy while others will be stressed.  Some will be ancy with excitement while others will be tired from a long business trip.  It is all laid out there in front of you if you take the time to look.  People will react differently to flight delays.  Some start to complain to strangers sitting next to them while others simply groan.  But in the end, nothing will make a difference. So… Sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride. 

There are forced interactions when you fly.  Tell me the last time you sat in a 24 inch seat for hours on end next to a complete stranger (for hundreds of dollars).  I had the joy of sitting next to quite the pair today on leg two of a three flight day.  I have the uncanny ability to notice the last person I want to be seated next to and then by chance, luck or fate, be seated next to them.  At least this time I had the isle…or so I thought this would be a good thing. 

Cowboy hats, leopard print shirt, the stench of cigarettes, cowboy boots, black spandex pants that are three sizes too small and an oversized carry on bag that will never fit in an overhead bin.  Yep, that’s the couple I spotted while waiting for the flight to leave Salt Lake City on my way to DC via Memphis.  Moments after I get to my seat I am engrossed by this pseudo cowboy trying to cram his bag into the overhead bin directly over my head.  An unpleasant turn of my head places his crotch directly at eye level.  Fantastic. 

The plane is delayed at the gate with no air conditioning.  The temperature appears to be rising by the minute.   No worries, I will just roll up my sleeves.  A flight attendant assures us that we will be moving shortly….10 minutes pass, 20 minutes pass, sweat starts beading on my forehead…30 minutes pass…I begin to fear that the anti-perspirant I’m wearing will begin to fail with 8 more hours of traveling to go…40 minutes pass and the engines turn on and we begin to taxi to the runway. 

Shortly after takeoff I fall asleep.  I’m hoping to sleep for at least half of the 4 hour flight.  That was the plan.  25 minutes into the flight the lovely woman next to me jabs me in the ribs.  I’m startled but can’t quite figure out what it was.  Is there turbulence?  Am I still dreaming?  Boom, it happens again.  I open my eyes, still in a haze, and look to my right.  This beast of a woman is staring at me giving me a look as if I have been terribly rude.  Was I snoring?  Were my arms flailing in my sleep invading her precious space?  Nope.  She had to go to the bathroom. 

25 minutes into the flight…Who does that?  Especially when the person next to you is sleeping?

I am irritated, and begin observing how gross these two actually are.  Here are the notes I took on my iphone…unedited. 

• -       He’s chewing dip on a plane.  Is that allowed?  It shouldn’t be.  He’s spitting into a clear bottle.  Even grosser. 
• -       They order two glasses of wine and two bloody marries…at the same time. 
• -       She has leathery skin.  It reminds me of the old lady in the movie,  There’s Something About Mary.  Her voice sounds like that of someone that has smoked cigarettes for decades.  Her voice is manlier than the guy she is with. 
• -       Is she wearing a wig?
• -       She has man hands.  Why are they invading my space?  Good thing there is an armrest between us. 
• -       She spills her glass of wine on the floor while adding Pringles to a sandwich.  (yes you read that correctly)
• -       Maybe this isn’t the first drink of her day.
• -       He drinks his bloody marry our of a single bar straw (the small red ones).  For a guy that wears cowboy boots and a cowboy hat, this has to be the least manly way to drink a Bloody Marry.